the halfway point

Doesn’t it feel like yesterday that you were making your new years resolutions?  I know it did to me but alas in the blink of an eye 6 whole months have past, that’s over 170 days. I know can you believe it? I thought it was a pretty appropriate time to reflect on what has gone, whether I feel I have a sense of achievement and what the next 6 months could bring me.

At the beginning of 2019 I was brimming with all sort of anxieties. Having returned from life on the road for 6 months I was apprehensive about what my next chapter would be. I felt as though I was playing catch up to everyone else who’s lives seemed to have been on fast-forward whilst I remained on pause. My once exhilarating feeling of escape was rapidly slipping away and instead the pressure of confirming were weighing heavy on my shoulders. A few more months of freedom was how I looked at it – a ticking time bomb. Remaining a free spirit until the end of March I felt that the new year brought along a black cloud that hung over me. Whilst I thoroughly enjoyed myself I was becoming increasingly aware of the uncertainty of the rest of the year and to be honest my future in general.

I felt like my near year and welcome to 2019 really began on March 1st when we returned from travelling in Africa. Whatever ‘normality’ can be deemed as is what we came back to. Having given up pretty much everything from my job, to my car, to my house, I was at such a loss over where I would fit in. Like I said I felt like everyone had been on fast-forward, babies, houses, marriage and I had basically reverted to a 16 year old again.

You can always flip life two ways, looking on the positive side this opportunity was a fresh start I was free to do anything I wanted but also the negative flipside of anxiety of what ifs. I most definitely at times fell into the second category no matter how hard I tried to look for the positives. Life throws curve balls and so when my career was on pause despite doing freelance work I had this dull ache of feeling like I wasn’t achieving or moving forward. By no means is that what freelance life is like but I wanted a mortgage and without a fulltime job it seemed an impossible task to jump through the ridiculous bankers hoops.  As time past and weeks turned into months without a sniff of job opportunities I started to doubt my skills, and myself which is only natural. I thought I would fall into a job easily and come July I would be in a house of my own. I guess that brings me back to this point of halfway reflecting on the things I expected to have happened this year. My goals for the year and how life sometimes doesn’t work out the way you want it to.

So here goes my goals for what I anticipated for 2019 and where I envisaged I would be midway through the year. I would have been in a job for about 3 months already. I’d be in the process of buying my house if not already moved in. I would have my dream car (even if it was on finance) and my rescue greyhound would be my choice companion for long weekend walks. I imagined we would be still using the van to escape to the wilderness at weekends and we would have revamped inside to make it suitable for chilly British evenings.

Let’s think logically because ok I do admit that maybe I was a tad overzealous with my ambitions considering my lack of funds but my point is I was desperate to play catch up. Life and time moves so fast that I feel as though I’ve blinked and it’s July and with not a huge amount to show for it. I think its natural to feel a little pang of failure but its important to take the rough with the smooth and it seems I need to scale back on what I can anticipate for 2019. By no means does this mean I will be losing my lust for life but just be a tad more realistic on what is feasible. I feel like I am in a much better position mentally. I have got myself a new job with a lovely new team of creative to inspire me (and talk about campervans with) and I am focussing less on he material things and more about experiences. Life isn’t Instagram perfect and sometimes you need that jab in the ribs that says stop comparing yourself to others and so well I may not have my dream car, or a mortgage yet but I am so content with living the weekend #vanlife. Celebrate the little things and the biggest stuff will fall into place.

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