a big f*ck you

& just like that i am a changed woman.

The old me tucked away in a box meek and feeble because that’s right you can all fuck off. There I said it – no asterix, no more hiding away, you can all do one! No more misses nice me. No more fake smiles, pretend happiness or making the effort. I’m sick and tired of being a push over and walking on egg shells. I’ve done shit I’m actually ashamed of, sat through a pathetic pyramid program presentation (internally screaming kill me now) to having false conversations of niceties knowing full well I could have left 15 minutes ago.

Nice guys finish last is the saying and I’ve never felt that were more true than in the exact moment. Being the friendly face the chatter person, the shoulder to cry on when in fact when push comes to shove and the role are reversed I am left high and dry. So that’s it, I’m all for myself from now on. No niceties or pretending to like people, being civil is more than enough you don’t have to be best buds with every man and his dog. Although some dogs would probably be more loyal or considerate and that says something, am I right?

I can count on one hand who my friends are so no I don’t need anymore and I definitely don’t need to be used and dropped by any other time wasters. My pals I have had for years of whom we have grown together shared joint experiences and been there for each other, they are the people I turn to. The ones who message randomly out of the blue and actually pay attention to me as I do them and ask: “you ok mate?”

Maybe as an advocate for life is short is should heed my own advice of putting myself first because right now I’ve never been so full to bursting with anger. Some pathetic soul will get the sharp end of me if they are not careful. To be honest they probably deserve it. I need to point out that this is not one individual (jesus you thought I was that petty?) not, it is an accumulation of little events here and there that has made me take the step back and view my relationships from a different perspective.

Nice guys finish last…I am nice and I don’t think much will change the fact I am caring and considerate. The whole point of this is to put myself first because everyone else does. I have an amazing support network and when life gets on top of you those are the people I turn to. So much is changing for me yet still staying exactly the same. The limbo I am immersed in feels never ending but when you think about it the only person who can change that is you. It’s easy to get stuck in the rut and bring your own blood to the boil by remembering sh*tty comments or the unthanked gesture and simply brushing it off just won’t cut the mustard so instead I have a few techniques so if you ever feel like saying f*ck you to everyone and quite possibly destroying relationships then maybe this will help:

  • Do just what I said. Live near a field or woods, you might sound like a lunatic but letting emotions bottle up inside is a dangerous poison. Scream to your hearts content and feel the emotion pour out and release as you expel the negative mindset.
  • Don’t feel like screaming, take the quiet approach and talk it out. turn to your close friends and family and speak the words that go round in your head. If you’re anything like me the more you talk the less monstrous the situation feels and many times by the end I come to the realisation I was exaggerating the situation after playing it ver and over in my head.
  • Make a list. When I get in this frame of mind I fall into a dark place. I give up on doing things because I think what is the point? well breaking things into manageable chunks gives a sense of achievement because nothing is more satisfying than ticking things off, am I right?
  • Have a shower, a brew and switch off. In my head when I have and a shower and wash my hair I imagine I am . washing away the slimy residue of a terrible day, interaction, relationship and when I step out all my negativity is down the drain and I am squeaky clean. A nice cuppa to follow because that makes everything better and finally switching off I consciously make the effort when I hear these thoughts float into my head reminding me of that annoying interaction or event I say no not now I am away fro the situation this is my time to breathe. The worst thing you can do is let things fester away in your head, especially when it is supposed to be your evening, time to chill and relax.
  • Cuddle your pets. Whether this has clout or not I have no idea but it works for me. Sometimes I think my cat is psychic because she is extra cuddly on the days I feel rotten.

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